A Boat on the Side
1Sep/100

Ellard’s Landlocked Lexicon

Mankind’s maritime heritage is reflected in the dozens of nautical terms in everyday use – sailing close to the wind, loaded up to the gunwales, showing the ropes, to name just a few. Here then is a short summary of alternative landlocked meaning to words found in the mariner’s lexicon.

Able Seaman – a competent but uninspiring lover.

Anode – a poem to Anne.

Antifoul – tightly fitting incontinence garment.

Archipelago – any piece of dramatic music accompanying documentaries on modern architects, invariably utilizing cellos and bowed bass.

Barnacle – 1. an uncle who owns a pub 2. any drinker who cannot be prised from the bar.

Barometer – a device used to measure the volume of alcohol consumed in drinking contests.

Below Decks – an old fashioned euphemism favoured by Victorian mothers.

Bobstays – corsets for men.

Bollards – Nanook’s nuts (Eskimo testicles.)

Boom Crutch – 1. a walking aid used by people born in the ten years following WWII. 2. Circus clowns’ exploding trousers.

Boot Topping – a cursory brush of the shoes only where it shows.

Bosun – a young man with gay tendencies.

Bosun’s Locker – a special place where he hides his “special” magazines.

Bow Thruster – a sharp cocky and ambitious young office worker who uses excessive hair gel. (Stem Thruster – as above but gay.)

Bow Wave – an awkward move seen in amateur dramatics where a player attempts to simultaneously acknowledge both the applause and friends or relatives in the audience.

Bunting – actively searching for rabbits to kill.

Cape of Good Hope – a voluminous dark cloak worn to attract female Goths or vampires.

Capstan – a two-toned facial tan caused by the habitual wearing of baseball caps.

Careening – to sing a song of lamentation for a wrecked motor vehicle.

Carvel – term used by mechanics with limited English skills to denote that your vehicle is roadworthy – the opposite of carsick.

Catstay – a small cage in a boarding cattery.

Chart – any small pastry that is overcooked but edible when the burnt bits are broken off.

Circumnavigation – a Jewish sailor’s round the world voyage.

Clinker – a person who jiggles their money in an annoying way. Clinkers must take care to perform this act to the sides of the trouser pockets, otherwise innocent bystanders may misconstrue the movements.

Coastguards – armed forces who ensure that no-one steals the coast.

Companionway – a footpath where you can comfortably walk side by side.

Cunningham – a devious and unscrupulous actor.

Counterstern – a chartered accountant lecturing on one’s proliferate spending

Cruise Director – a policeman on points (traffic) duty in a red-light district.

Dan Buoy – historical character said to have inspired a sentimental Irish ballad.

Datum Line – the point in a single person’s life when he or she realizes that they are probably destined to live alone for the foreseeable future.

Dead Reckoning – karma.

Deadeyes – the look by which your wife indicates that you should stop flirting with that woman if you value your life.

Deviation Chart – a menu in a brothel.

Doldrums – female flatulence.

Dragging the Anchor – when a bright cheerful woman takes the morose unwilling husband to a function.

Easing the Sheets – a surreptitious flapping of the outside edge of the bed linen following  an attack of the doldrums.

Fairlead – a detective’s promising line of enquiry obtained by legal and proper means, often resulting in the utterance “It’s a fair cop.”

First Mate – wife or husband number 1.

Fixed Ports – harbours that stay in one place.

Fleet Review – a quick assessment.

Flying Dutchman – Nederlander met LSD.

Foulies – chickens with diarrhea.

Gaff Jaws – traditionally rigged shark.

Gangway – side street or back lane used by teenage hoodies.

Gelcoat – a super tight shiny outfit worn by female pop stars.

Genoa – an Australian question.

Gig – the point at which you try to stop laughing at inappropriate moments.

Golly Wobbler – a well endowed woman jogging.

Goosewing – 1940s big band jazz favoured by poultry goers.

Half Mast – trousers not fully removed prior to frantic acts of coupling.

Handybilly – a general purpose goat kept nearby.

Hawse Pipe – a smoking utensil favoured by ladies of ill repute.

Heavy Weather – an overweight sheep.

Heel Rope – a dog lead

Hood End – the bad part of town where teenage gangs hang out.

Jetty – a nervous flyer.

Jury Rig – a specialized legal manouevre involving large sums of cash.

Kingpost – a royal erection.

Lake Steamer – a film about a torrid affair set on the waterfront.

Laminators – people who stand way too close in queues.

Lanyards – where bulk lanolin is stored.

Lateen – a young person who is always late.

Lateen Rig – clothes worn by the above.

Lee Cloth – a downwind loin cloth.

Light Airs – blondes.

Lighthouse – a dwelling with a small ecological footprint.

Limpet – 1. cats who go all floppy when you pick them up. 2. an effeminate fawning theatrical gesture.

Luffing Up – generally good natured form of preliminary seduction used by party goers.

Luffing Match – when two or more males are targeting the same woman.

Maelstrom – what a Scandinavian guitarist does.

Mast Cap – a sailor’s condom.

Midshipman – a bisexual sailor.

Mortice and Tenon – the tragic opera about the doomed romance between a young funeral parlor assistant and a famous classical singer.

Naval Ratings – performance guide circulated amongst single women when the fleet’s in town.

Navy Blue – a state of sadness experienced by single young women when the fleet has sailed away.

Offing – collective term for the thoughts that come to mind when your partner or spouse hangs around offering advice or issuing directions when you are attempting minor household improvements or repairs.

Ordinary Seaman – a barely adequate lover.

Osmosis – the act of growing a moustache and becoming an Australian citizen.

Outhaul – what you do with old dogs on cold rainy nights.

Parallel Rulers – heads of state who govern in different dimensions to ours.

Parrel Beads – worry beads form another time, another space.

Pinnace – an extremely good ten pin bowler.

Pintle – any really tiny body part.

Pirate – the official pastry review board.

Plain Weave – the snaking motion down the aisle of an aircraft during boarding.

Poop Deck – a balcony available to locked in pets.

Punt – when you are tired and can’t think of any more puns to write.

Purser – a thespian who specializes in cross dressing roles, especially pantomime.

Quartermaster – an alleged professional who is only about 25 percent competent.

Reverse Sheer – an ugly scratch caused when parking in confined spaces.

Rogue Wave – a confidence trickster’s farewell gesture.

Roller Furler – a pneumatic blonde with a Dolly Parton hairstyle and a mink coat in the back of an elderly millionaire’s Rolls Royce.

Roller Reefer – a faux naval jacket with brass buttons worn by middle aged poseurs.

Roro – what Lady Gaga’s boat crew do.

Rum Ration – a perplexing allowance.

Sailmaker’s Palm – canvas worker’s calluses caused by excessive self abuse.

Samson Post – strong mail.

Scantlings – the contents of a stripper’s wardrobe.

Sea Shanties – quick release knickers worn on cruise liners.

Sheaves – 1. what seasick women do. 2. female version of Jeeves.

Sheave Block – medicine for seasick women.

Sheeted In – the bed linen off the line and indoors before the rain squall.

Sister Clips – extracts from your sibling’s home movies.

Skiff – a deceased Moroccan drug dealer.

Snap Shackle – an ill advised spur of the moment Las Vegas style marriage.

Sou’wester – a special Cornish pig delivery vehicle.

Spindrift – when political media hacks wonder whether they shouldn’t be doing something more meaningful with their lives.

Spinnaker – the setting n a washing machine especially for delicate undergarments.

Spreaders – swingers who enjoy re-enacting scenes from the movie “Last Tango in Paris.”

Square Rigged – anyone wearing an old fashioned oversized striped jacket with extreme shoulder pads.

Stanchion – lunch eaten standing at a bar.

Sternpost – a warning letter from your bank manager.

Studsails – full cut partially unbuttoned white shirts gathered at the wrist favoured by Latin male escorts.

Stuffing Box – any receptacle for old personal papers and sundry bits and pieces you can’t seem to throw away.

Swinging The Lead – manly strides in an optional clothing resort.

Tabernacle – the tally of the evening’s drinks at an uncle’s pub.

Take Up the Slack – item used by cosmetic surgeons.

Take a Sounding – to illegally download a song.

Tarred Hemp – marijuana leaf rolled in hash oil.

Thimble – a symbol with a lisp.

Tight Luff – a luffer who never seems to buy the drinks.

Topgallant – a gentleman who comes to the aid of a woman being threatened by teenage gang members.

Tophamper – one from Harrods’s.

Topping Lift – a hitchhiker’s dream – being picked up by a chauffer driven Rolls Royce and having to share the back seat with a Roller Furler.

Trade Winds – builder’s flatulence.

Transom – a good looking transvestite.

Twin Screw – a common male fantasy.

Two Pack Varnish – industrial strength makeup favoured by American matriarchs.

Two Stroke – a threesome.

Underway – intimate apparel exuberantly flung aside at the onset of coupling.

Vasco de Gama – a humorous act performed in private clubs named after the Portuguese explorer, navigator and strict disciplinarian.

Winch – rural New Zealand word for women.

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